On Saturday morning, Whitney and I were sitting in pedicure chairs waiting for our toe polish to dry, crying. For different reasons, we had both had a really tough week and when my best friend tears up, I can’t help myself, although I did manage to keep my own waterworks under control in public. You’re welcome, salon employees.
We were taking turns reading an article her mama had sent to her, A Letter to My Kids Because I’m 40 and That’s Old. We were scrolling through it on her iPhone. Whitney read, “Relax, we’re all faking it. This is kind of a big deal, you guys. Because your whole life — there will always be someone. Someone who you look at and think, did I miss something? How come that person gets to be like that and I have to be like this? Sometimes it’s not just a person; sometimes it’s a whole group of people. I wasted a lot of time thinking that at any moment, those folks would figure out that I was a big fraud and then they would shun me. It’s actually a thing. It’s called Impostor Syndrome and lots of people experience it at different points in their lives. So guess what? Turns out it’s totally normal to feel like you’re faking it. Just do it with good manners and you’ll be fine.”
I don’t have a lot of moments where I’m floored with, “Yes, that, exactly.” This was one. I asked Whitney to re-read it and then went home and promptly Googled the term.
The impostor syndrome, sometimes called impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome, is a psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments. Despite external evidence of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be. (via)
I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with bright, intelligent people that experience this. Some of the most talented people in the tech industry have admitted to me that they feel this way, usually after I launch into my own monologue about feeling like a fraud over coffee. Caffeine is a bit of a truth serum for me. This is how it usually plays out:
Person: So are you still loving your job at TechStars?
Me: Absolutely. It’s so humbling…
From here, it quickly devolves into an admission on my part about how I feel I tricked David and Molly into hiring me in October of 2011 and it has just been a series of months since then that I’ve been getting away with the most elaborate prank in professional history. I pulled the wool over their eyes and accepted the position and I’ve only had the good fortune to not have been “found out” yet. 90% of the time, the person I’m with confesses that they feel the same way on a weekly basis.
Your brain says,
“It’s only a matter of time until they fire me.”
The actuality is,
You are qualified to be here.
Your brain says,
“I went to an unknown liberal arts school.”
The actuality is,
You’re finding things to feel self conscious about.
Spending $100K on your education doesn’t somehow make you a better human being.
Your brain says,
“They don’t know the real me. They would be so disappointed.”
The actuality is,
The only thing that’s disappointing is how you see yourself.
Your brain says,
“Everyone here is better / smarter / more experienced than me.”
The actuality is,
They are just doing the best they can. Like you.
I want to say this here. I am not a fraud* and neither are you.
*If I do end up considering myself a fraud in the long-term, I will still try to feel proud of what I have learned and accomplished. In my world, it’s far better to think yourself a fraud than to be a toxic narcissist and attribute everyone else’s successes, big or small, to your own doing.
Yes. That. Exactly.
Thanks, Doni.
Beautifully written. Great reminder we are all just human trying to do the best we can!
Thank you, Megan.
Claire – there’s a strange tension for me between a) thinking that I’m incredibly lucky and am getting away with something having landed a nice spot in the startup community, and b) thinking that I’m damned smart and hard-working having created this reality for myself.
As is usually the case in my life, the truth is probably somewhere in between those two extremes. Every now and then I’m asked to give some advice to people who are also trying to find their place in the startup community. In those moments the tension between feeling like an unqualified fraud and feeling like an uniquely qualified expert is almost surreal. I’m learning to live with that tension though – it’s not a bad thing.
Ultimately anybody who is trying to grow is faking it. It’s part of the process.
Solid feedback; somewhere in the middle is best.
I think we’re all faking it. I just remind myself that I’m faking it less than I was in high school and that makes me feel better.
Well said.
I love this because I know so many of us can relate. It’s so baffling! Thanks for sharing that article and your thoughts around this. I struggle with owning what I’m doing for the future and what I’ve become thus far. To my closest supporters it makes them frustrated but I also believe in being humble and not boastful. Nonetheless, I think it’s so good to be proud, excited, grateful AND humble.
My mom had us do an encouragement feast everyday before dinner growing up (ha, life coach of a mother) and we each said something wonderful about the people around the table, whoever was eating with us. It helped us accept compliments, feel good about ourselves and also just pass on the love…
That kind of dinner sounds so cool. I’m jealous!
What a great post – I have read some about Imposter Syndrome, and this does a great job of summing it up. I find I’m constantly reminding myself that I was completely honest in my interview, and if they hired me, it was because I had the skills and/or ability they were looking for – I don’t have to be someone I’m not, and there’s no need for me to be fooling anyone. That works for me about 80% of the time
. Thanks for your post.
I’m hoping I can move in the other direction now that I’m more aware that it’s a syndrome and not something happening to just me!
You are a damn good faker Clare. I absolutely love working with you. You are family.
You’re my family too. Thanks, David.
I have too many feelings and crying is their exit from my heart. Thanks for reminding me to live and let be. I don’t have to be all things all the time. Sometimes, i can just be overwhelmed with the life we’ve built. Thank god you’re in it.
I’m not crying, it’s just raining in my eyes.
Thank God you’re in mine too. <3
Everything about this post is awesome.
In my twitter bio, I recently added, “I work hard at being lucky.” After struggling with this idea for a long time, I just gave up and lumped it all together. You’re amazing. <3
I love that sentence! Sums up so much.
life can be incredibly overwhelming and underwhelming at the same time… Sometimes all life is waiting for is for us (you, me, our next door neighbor) to step up to the plate and live it.
xoxo
Step up to the plate and hit it into the outfield.
A lot of what we do to get where we are gets chalked up mentally as “what you’re supposed to do” but I think we seem to fall down on the part where we give ourselves the due credit for the capability and intelligence that led to that success, don’t we?
I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I work w/someone who explicitly and implicitly trusts my skills, to a degree I have never seen, and occasionally I still fall victim to self doubt and Imposter Syndrome. Perhaps it’s because there’s always a small element of “fake it til you make it” in our jobs that’s inherent to what we do, and inherent to staying fresh and the learning curves we inevitably seek out. And we mistake that as a reflection of our capability rather than a reflection of our capacity to grow.
<3 You're here because you're amazing and they know it. And having room to improve means you're living or striving for your best, not that you're not great at what you do. Especially since you're in an area where the boundaries are fluid and the area's still "new".
Thank you, Revanche.
Awesome post, Clare! I do this myself despite finding it annoying in others.
Thanks, Annie! I do the same thing; lecture my friends about how great they are and then turn around and doubt myself.
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I had never heard of Impostor Syndrome, but I recognize its hallmarks all too well (in myself and others). I also think — and maybe I’m wrong here — that women are groomed in society to downplay our abilities and competencies. Saying “thank you” for a compliment is seen as conceited. Talking about how accomplished we are is bitchy. We’re taught to be demure and humble and to “oh, pshaw” all our amazing qualities, which can lead to feeling like they aren’t as amazing as they are — which, I think, lends itself to Impostor Syndrome.
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